Train

Rating:

Movie Release Date: May 2, 2009 (Japan)

DVD Release Date: November 17, 2009

Plot 411: Hostel on wheels with an even worse plot

Review: Thora Birch stars in this bloodbath of a film that is viciously brutal when not overly sexual. What happened to little Dani from Hocus Pocus? Her character, Alex, is a member of a US wrestling team that is making their way from one city to the next in a tournament. Alex, three teammates and an assistant coach go out partying (insert gratuitous nudity here) after a match only to miss their train the next morning. A freaky-looking Eastern European woman (what a stereotype!) helps the Americans hitch a ride on a different train. Then the movie proceeds from one kill to another in a very thin plot that emphasizes anything gruesome. I admit that I like me some horror with blood and guts every now and again, but this movie just takes it to the extreme and doesn't even do it in a new or clever way. It's as if they brainstormed the worst things imaginable and how to make it happen. I don't want to spoil the movie for you, but I suppose if you do watch this movie it's definitely not for the plot. This movie manages to imply or depict the following: xenophobia, orgies, gang rape, castration (while awake mind you), necrophilia, inbreeding and, organ harvesting. Need I even go on? If you can get yourself past that, the characters (both good and bad) act stupidly and do not do what normal people would do. Even time is messed up in this movie! How can an ocular transplant patient be up and moving and seeing mere days after the surgery?

Watch It: Because maybe you're interested in special effects manufacturing and you want a decent case study.

Skip It: Because besides all the gory details, the movie and its characters are illogical.

Hocus Pocus

Rating: PG

Movie Release Date: July 16, 1993

DVD Release Date: June 4, 2002

Plot 411: Three witches are reawakened on Halloween and seek to absorb the lifeforces of children to remain immortal.

Review: I remember this movie being a lot of fun, but I honestly haven't seen it in a long time so I don't know if it holds up. The basic premise is that three witch sisters, Winnie (Bette Midler), Sarah (Sarah Jessica Parker) and Mary (Kathy Najimy), were sucking the lifeforces out of children in the 1600s and were killed for this during the Salem Witch Trials. They cast two last spells though - 1) one to bring them back to life if a virgin ever lit a black-flamed candle in their home and 2) to make a meddlesome boy named Thackery Binx (Sean Murray) live for eternity as a cat. Three hundred years later Max (Omri Katz) lights a candle and unleashes the witches. They have one day to absorb the lifeforce of Max's little sister Dani (Thora Birch). The rest of the movie is a cat and mouse game between Max and friends and the witch sisters. Who wouldn't love a little bit a magic, some singing and the love between brothers and sisters? This was a really great family fantasy/adventure movie and funny as hell too. I gotta say that I watch NCIS rather frequently but didn't realize that Timothy McGee was in Hocus Pocus till I looked it up. Wow, look how far he's come. Even Sarah Jessica Parker was a surprise. I'd forgotten about her too.

Watch It: And root for the witches because other than wanting to suck out your soul, they're not that bad.

Skip It: If you've got young children. Most of this movie isn't too scary, but there is a zombie character that has his mouth sewn shut that's kind of freaky.